New Year 2011!

Blessed Christmas & a Wonderful New Year to you! =)

This Christmas & New year is extra special to me & YY as we have Euan to celebrate with.

Each year, our cg has a tradition on New Year's eve where we meet up for a time of thanksgiving and reflection, and of course, feasting & drinking in merriment. The best part?? =) the cg guys get to cook/buy food for the girls. =)

As we sat together during sharing, i could't help but have a deep sense of gratitude as i listened to each cg member share of God's goodness and faithfulness in their lives. As we looked back a year ago, it was a difficult time, with a cloud of sombre mood as we shared in our dear sister Phylli's anxiety and worry over the lymphoma cancer. This year, we as a cg, and a s a family had so so much to thank God for.

Phylli has been given the all-clear. We have 3 new additions to the cg - Baby Euan, Baby Athalie & Baby Elizabeth - all precious little miracles from the Lord; and one more on the way. =) We had new cg members joining us for wonderful fellowship. As i was cradling Euan to sleep, it dawned on me that God has been truly gracious and faithful to us.

Blessed New Year, may it be filled with His favour and blessings! =)
Much love!

Euan's 3-6 months

Time has sped by so quickly, although i get the awesome privilege to be home with Euan, i still often find myself wishing that time would somehow stand still for a moment for me to savour each & every precious moment with him.

Euan's a very lovable boy, with a great temperament. Except for the occasional crankiness, it's been thoroughly enjoyable to watch his funny antics and his incredible development everyday. I cannot help but thank God as i see my little boy grow each day.

Here's a short record of his developmental milestones - more for me to remember than anything else. =)


Euan's 3rd Month..

Power stares. Intent eyes. Billion dollar toothless smiles. Lotsa warm Giggles and contagious Chuckles. Mini routines : Milk time. Sleepy time. Milk time. Play time. Milk time. Bath time. Milk time. Sleep time. Milk time. Play time. Milk time.. =))

You wake up to greet each morning with your gorgeous signature billion dollar smile. For several days, u woke up early just to give daddy a good morning-and-have a fantastic day smile before he went to work! I'm certain that just made his day! =)

Euan's 4th Month..

Book reading/word staring.. Play with puppet (Tamby's your current favourite).. Loving music and songs especially when daddy's serenading songs on his guitar..

1st tummy rollover.. 1st 1ft crawl.. Backstroke swims on the wooden floor.. Bouncing/ standing up on our laps..

Whimsical laughs as if we cracked the funniest jokes.. More free toothless smiles.. More teary cries too..

Went for short holiday trips to Ipoh & Melaka with the CG. =)

Daddy bought u a new car (literally) so that we can fit everything in and sit more comfortably. =)

Euan's 5th Month..

Chicken Pox. Whimpering.. Crying when taking medicine.. Spots disappeared in 4days! woohoo!!

Teething.. Chewing every finger/everything/every toy's nose/cheek in sight..

Learning to flip over and turning round and round. Bum arches at diaper changing time.. Playing in the walker.. Making urgh-urghh sounds to mean stand up and walk..

This month, Grandma fell and fractured her shoulder. She's missed carrying you so much. And you were most likely wondering why she stopped carrying you and stopped making you clap your hands.. =(


Euan's 6th Month

Zooming around in your new walker which Grandma bought for you.. Chasing us down the living hall.. Lifting up your arms to mean carry me up! =) Excellent coordination in your walker.. You can make u-turns and side turns and maneuvre to come to us- wherever we are. =)

Saying ang-goo-goo to mean carry me up and walk. =)

Turning to look at us when we call your name, Euan Chu. =)

Eating solids and loving rice cereals with milk. And smacking your lips whenever mummy / daddy are having our meals. A true Gao-Chiak Jr member. =)

Love Letter to Euan (IV)

Written on 31st August 2010 (and updated several times since)

To my darling Euan,

A little summary of our 2nd month adventure! Yeah, life sure has been a wonderful and amazing adventure with you.. So much discoveries and fun experiences.. =)

More mamak trips..

More dinners at shopping malls in Subang vicinity..
Hmm.. everytime we go for dinners, the waiters are bound to admire you in your pram. If daddy's carrying you in the Ergo sling, well, the passersby will be admiring tough daddy and gorgeous baby..

Outstation Trips .. We celebrated your 2nd month in Melaka. It was fun. We took u to all our favourite makan stops and also to our must-see A Famosa. Well, we forgot it was full of steps and so daddy had a great work out CARRYing ur pram up A Famosa, and mummy carried you. Only to realise on the way down, that there's a pathway to push you all the way down. Anyways, it helped work out a good appetite for Nyonya food afterward.

We also went for our CG retreat to Ipoh. All the aunties helped watch over you.. and Koko Andrew and Jiejie Caitlyn had fun greeting you every morning and making sure you had sufficient kisses through the day! =) We introduced you to some lovely animals in Taiping Night Zoo, but not sure if you could recognise them in the dark. We'll visit them again someday, ya?

Noisy neighbour's reno.. Hmm.. you've been startled quite a lot with the drilling and hammering. But thank you, for being such a patient baby. =)

And finally, the highlight of this month is, you give out billion dollar toothless smiles!! Dunno where you learnt it, but every single heart has melted just looking at your smile. =)

Keep 'em coming! =)

Love you, darling!

Love Letter to Euan (III)

Written on 18th July 2010


To my darling Euan.


Wow, you're one month old already! On one hand, it feels like just yesterday tt you were still squirming in my womb, and yet on the other hand, it feels like you've been with us for ages! =)



All in all, it's been a real adventure this past month!



Thank God for Grandma had 2 whole weeks of college holidays, so she could cook confinement food for mummy whilst we were in hospital and help with marketing. Then Aunty Esther, the confinement lady came for 2 weeks (well, she had a mini holiday while with us - cos mummy wanted to take care of you at night), then Ah ma was here for a week! and now, mummy & daddy have had the blessing of finally learning to take care of you ourselves. Well, we're still learning, boy, so do forgive us when we are slow to wear your diapers, or clumsy in carrying you from the bath tub, or your pet peeve - taking too long to put on your rompers. Mummy often wishes that we were in the movie I Dream of Jeannie - then i can fold my arms, close my eyes and wish, and voila(!) you're cleaned, dressed and all ready.


Mummy's super pleased to lose most of the preggy weight and fats with Kak Nani's uruts, and also the soothing relief from the aches. =) However, breastfeeding you has been quite a teary ordeal. Mummy's tried all concoctions recommended - from green papaya soups, fenugreek seeds, milk maid teas, horlicks.. but none seem sufficient. *Sigh* If you've seen mummy crying, well, it's not your fault. Mummy made a goal to breastfeed you for a whole year, and well.. let's just say, we'll take each day at a time, ya? But thank you, darling for being ever so patient. =)

Your jaundice episode was quite a scare for us. Phototherapies and weekly visits to the paed, and heartwrenching pricks on your sole and hands were quite a bit to swallow.

On the other hand, we were surprised and shocked when you first chuckled in your sleep.. then it was something we looked forward to.. which made both me & daddy chuckle too. We just assume it's dreams of milk and honey.. =)

Btw, we brought u for your first mamak outing. =) You wowed the waiters all with ur adorable face and eyes. Also your first movie - Despicable Me. Well, you slept and suckled through the movie.. but nonetheless.. it's still your first movie. =) Your first grocery shopping with grandma to carrefour. Hmm.. Everyone stopped and stared at the sling mummy carried you in. I think they were wondering what a nice bag i was carrying then realised there was a baby (!) in it. Your first party for your fullmoon at grandma's place. Your first visit to church the next day. You slept through worship and suckled through the sermon. And then sat with Koko/Uncle Daniel in front of the drums for your first drums, guitar and piano crash course. =) And then you attended your first cg at Uncle BK's place. Koko Andrew was very protective of you and had fun watching over you, i think. But you slept through the discussions and only woke up to join us for supper. =)

Told you it was quite an adventure! =) Love you, darling!

Love Letter to Euan (II)

Written on 15th June 2010

To my darling Euan

Words simply cannot describe the overwhelming joy and sense of relief to have you finally (!) in our arms.

The delivery has been long and tiring, but the sheer joy of holding you in our arms after the long 17 hours of labour is simply amazing.

Thank God for His hand upon you and mummy through out the labour and delivery. Dr Boon Nee and the midwives were so great, and encouraging. Daddy was wonderful too, he kept on encouraging mummy through out the whole process.

You are simply beautiful. I had a shock this morning when the nurse wheeled you in for me to nurse you. All these while, your eyes have been closed, opening just a slight bit to look at us and your face has been rather puffy. But early this morning, you opened your gorgeous big eyes and stared right at me. I had to ask the nurse if you were really my son. How hilarious, now as i think of it. =)

You have a beautiful cry. Almost as if you're singing. =)

In short, we thank God for such a beautiful, adorable little baby.

We love you, little darling.

Love Letter to Euan (I)

Written on 11th June 2010

To my darling Euan

Mummy's writing this as you are still happily squirming inside my womb. You are now 37 and a half weeks, and will be born in 3 days time, unless you want to make an early suprise appearance.

Someday, you'll read this - it's my love letter to you.

As your name conveys, you are a gracious gift of God to both me & daddy. We've prayed and hoped for a child for 3 and a half long years. And God has answered our prayers and given you to us. In a matter of days, i'm going to see you face to face, and i'm just so excited beyond words, the feeling seems surreal.

From the first time we saw your heartbeat, to seeing your little hands and feet swimming, to watching your skeleton grow into a chubby little baby boy with a cute buttony nose, and then seeing your little "manhood" (well, actually daddy had a strong inkling that you were a boy, even before dr boon nee confirmed it). My all time favourite was to feel your kicks as early as 4 months. At first, i wasn't sure what that was, but as it grew stronger over the weeks, it soon became something i looked forward to every day. Up to now. You're a strong boy, with strong legs, and we thank God for His hand on you.

Mummy can't wait to carry, cuddle and kiss you. Am sure you'll grow into a strong, adorable, lovable and wonderful boy. You are the best gift we could ever ask from God.

We love you, little darling.

In just a matter of days..

It has been an exciting journey of 9 months..

God has been truly good. Each trimester has had it's anxieties, but each trimester has taught us much about trust and faith in a mighty God - the God who creates, who gives and who sustains life.

As i approach these last few days of pregnancy, and look forward expectantly to Euan's birth, I cannot help but feel a sense of awe of the God that i worship. I had just bought a sticker photo album to keep Euan's ultrasound scans from the time he was just a few weeks old to the latest 34 week scan. Tears flow gratefully as i admire how he's grown, the intricacies of it all
- the flickers of his heartbeat
- seeing his head, little hands and feet swimming
- seeing his little "manhood" hence confirming he's a boy! =)
- feeling his first nudges
- feeling his strong football kicks
- feeling his hiccups
- seeing his chubby cheeks and round little tummy
- feeling his rolls and squirms
- listening to his "horse-gallop heartbeats" on the cardiotopograph
... I am just so amazed that all these were happening while i ate, slept and moved around.
From a tiny speck - the size of a rice grain, to a 3+kg baby residing happily in my womb, only God can create such an amazing thing.

It's taken 9 months for God to prepare Euan for this world, and it's taken 9 months for God to prepare us for Euan. =) Thank You, Lord.


*Euan, both me & ur daddy are so looking forward to welcoming you into our lives, into our family, into our home. Father God has been so gracious to give you to us, and so we will look to Him to love you, to take care of you and nurture you in the best way we can. Be seeing you on Monday, little darling! =)

Tribute to Mum

As i soon enter the phase and season of motherhood, i have gained a far deeper appreciation and gratitude for my mum. For one, unlike the technology we have nowadays, she had to go thru a lot more pain in childbirth to deliver me then. And then whilst growing up, i wasn't exactly the sweetest, most adorably cherubic girl on the block. A mini-debater at home, I had a fairly quick mind and a sharp tongue, and i think i had often hurt her feelings with tactless words and hurtful comments up to my teenage years..

Mum had gone thru so much to take care of both me & my brother. She was a great teacher, so she continued in her teaching profession to provide for both me & my bro. But she always made sure she cooked, washed and cleaned the house for all of us - so we'd be well-fed, well nourished, well-taken care of and living comfortably in our home. I think that was harder than staying home to take care of us. She had much to juggle, but she did both her calling as a teacher and as a mother excellently.

Our faith in Christ has been passed on by mum - from the early days of our childhood, when she would sit with both of us, with a little red handwritten book of songs, and a bible, and a hymn book, and later, the SOP & SOK (*for those who know what that is, and how it looks like). She'd tell us stories, she'd sing us songs, she'd pray for us. And my personal favourite, while she cooks, she'd always be singing her favourite songs - What a friend i have in Jesus and Amazing Grace. I used to tease mum that those were her cooking songs. =) But now, having left home for so many years, i miss listening to mum sing while she cooks. Nowadays, when she cooks whilst i'm around, we're talking endlessly. =)

Even when dad had left, mum continued to hold the fort and encourage us and love us endlessly. The days were tough. And coming back to small town BP was a huge adjustment. I still remember our saturday nasi lemak and lontong breakfasts and lunches, and loving car rides because i just didn't feel like driving on the saturdays to work. And later, when i moved to KL, mum would tapau our favourite food and take the 4 hour long taxi rides to KL to be with us every single weekend. Often we'd get the chance to savour frozen durians wrapped in 3 layers of newspaper in airtight boxes. =)

Now as she soon enters a new phase of life, as a grandmother, i am so blessed because I know Euan will be greatly loved and blessed by her love and faith. =)

















Thanks, mum, for all you've done.
Thanks, mum, for all the sacrifices made.
A million "Thanks" can never suffice.
A billion "I Love yous" will never be enough.
But nevertheless,
for all the ceaseless prayers uttered,
for the beautiful songs sung,
for the bedtime stories told,
for the faith inspiring emails (esp when i was studying)
for the delicious food cooked,
for the uniforms ironed, the clothes washed,
for the legacy of faith you've shared and passed on to us,
for believing in us,
for encouraging us and spurring us on
for correcting us when we were wrong or rude
for teaching us and nurturing us the right things to do
for lovingly forgiving us when we were so wrong, and never holding any grudges or any remembrance of the things we've done,
for patiently watching the Sound of Music over and over and over and over again with me,
for the many Barbie dolls, the Carebear toys, and the swimming lessons,
for the pretty frocks and nice shiny shoes,
THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU from the bottom of my heart.
In more ways than you will ever know, you've shown me grace and reflected Christ.
Thanks, mum, for your love, and
for everything and more.

My Birthday Prayer

Dear Lord,

Thank You for all the blessings You've poured in my life. I don't think i can ever find the words to thank You enough. This year, I'm exceptionally grateful, for Your gift of Euan to both YY and me. It's been a birthday wish and prayer for many years. And with each day and week, as we "see" him grow strong and healthy in my womb, anticipation and excitement builds to the day we will welcome him to our home.

Lord, we are deeply grateful for this child. I used to wonder when the day would come, when i would be able to say like Hannah in the bible, "For this child i prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which i asked of Him." Now as i utter it to You, it comes with a profound sense of gratitude, etched deep within my heart, knowing and experiencing Your faithfulness.

The journey ahead is not an easy one, i know, but by Your grace, O Lord, my birthday prayer this year and the many years to come is that You will help me be a great mother. As Ah Di wrote in his card for me, "He who has given you this child is well able to take care of him." And with that in my heart, I entrust and dedicate Euan to You, Lord - the mighty God who has answered my prayers. And Lord, Euan's name will always be a reminder to me & YY that he is a gracious gift from You.

Thank You for Your love to me. Thank You for Your grace so free.
Amen.

Jitters..

Is there such a thing as motherhood jitters, i wonder?

As Euan's due date draws nearer, i find myself increasingly nervous abt his upcoming grand entrance into this world. Don't get me wrong, i'm absolutely and extremely excited abt finally seeing him, having felt his kicks, and responses to songs and drum beats.

Somehow in the corner at the back of my mind, i wonder if i'll be a good mummy.. would i know how to take care of the little one all by myself.. would i be able to feed him well.. No amount of books and reading seem sufficient..

Well, my consolation is, we all learn along the way.. and by God's grace and solely with His help, Euan will be a happy and joyful baby. =)

Getting too mummified?

I think tt i'm getting too maternal these days when
- i started naming the little bat which hangs upside down outside my front patio Betty. But YY preferred Baley (after Christian Bale from Batman). Come to think of it, it might be male. =P
- i thought tt the little rat that dashed out from an empty flower pot was cute.
- i start explaining to the little squirrel in my backyard which got startled by me tt i was merely hanging my clothes, and not harming him in anyway.
- i started looking out for Baley everytime i leave my house, and assume he's gone for a honeymoon when he was missing for a week.
- i realised tt Baley has grown taller and fatter since the past 2 months of seeking refuge in my patio roof.
- a mother cat sat by my feet whilst i was having lunch at a foodcourt and i just let her be.

No, i'm not keeping a zoo in my house / backyard. But i think it's all the anticipation of Euan's birth that i find my maternal instincts kicking in far more than it used to. =)

A chubby little Euan at 28weeks =)

Photo Scan: Little Euan at 28 weeks.. His face is on the left and facing upwards. His little fingers (the small floret above) probably about to go into his mouth. And his tummy on the right of the scan. He sure is getting chubbier! =)

It's amazing and delightful every time we go for the monthly antenatal scans to "see" Euan. But more so now as he puts on weight and not look so 'alien-ish' anymore. Doc says Euan's putting on a little more weight than he should, but I'm still doing fine. Gotta cut my carbs, but i keep getting hungry.. So will have to work out a good balance of nutrients going in. =)

We thank God that He has truly seen us through the past 2 trimesters and now we're at this final trimester. Excitement is mounting as we so look forward to the day to welcome little Euan into this world and into our home and family. There are anxieties and fears too regarding labor and delivery, but I'm confident that God has carried me thus far.. He'll carry me through it all. =)

Thank you for always praying for us. =)

Little Note from Little Euan.. =)

Hi, aunties & uncles..

I overheard some of you asking Mummy what I will be needing when I make my grand appearance in June.

Well, before you buy me anything, let me tell u a secret..

Because Mummy & Daddy have waited a very very long time for me to come along, they got pretty excited, (and so did my Grandmas and Grandpa, my Ah ku & Ah kim and also my Er ku and San ku). So guess what, they’ve bought me all the big stuffs already! Even my bedroom and playroom according to Mummy, are super cool! In fact, I think Mummy likes hanging out in my playroom more than her own bedroom. You have to come visit sometime. At least before I learn how to mess it up.. =)

Anyways, if you’re still thinking of getting me something to welcome me, well, toys would be super duper great. Mummy and Daddy haven’t bought me a single toy. Most of my stuff toys are their own. =P I think they keep forgetting that I’m a boy, and I don’t really do stuff bears. So, it’d be nice to get some cool toys like those from Fisher Price or Lamaze. Heard these stuff can help make my brain even smarter. But best to check with Mummy first. I think she knows best. ;)

As for clothes, well, like I said, Mummy’s gone all out to buy me some nice baby clothes. Plus Aunty Min from Singapore got me some, and Aunty Eileen & Aunty Shirene gave me some of Koko Andrew & Koko River’s clothes. But if you really really wanna dress me up, remember, I wanna look cool (even cooler than daddy). So clothes from 9months onwards would be great. =) Remember, I wanna look cool. So that when Mummy or Aunty Phylli takes my photos, I’ll be the handsomest boy on the block. =)

But more than anything else, I’m just looking forward to seeing all of you. Mummy says many uncles and aunties, granduncles and grandaunties have been praying for me even before Father God made me. So, thank you – your prayers are more precious than anything else in the world. =)

A strand of fur

Interestingly, i found a strand of fur yesterday on a towel after a shower. It was brown and black and beige stripey in colour.. Guess who it belonged to? Yeah our little Mylo. Haha.. well, she's not so little anymore, and she doesn't live with us anymore. At least not for the past 4 months.

But oh.. we sure miss that little bundle. We took Mylo in as a little kitten May last year when she was only 3 months old. A frail tiny fella, curious abt the dangerous world she lived in, brave enough to stay in the little cardboard box we rescued her in, unlike her sisters and brothers who made a dash and leapt out of the box before we reached the car. We named this little bundle Mylo cos we found her at our favourite mamak place, whilst having our favourite Milo Ice Kau-Kau. =)

From the start, Mylo was evidently pampered. She had her own poo tray, her basket to sleep in, yummy food, and baby milk powder, and was basically the princess in the house within weeks of staying with us. In fact, whatever toys she took a liking to, was hers after a lick. Neither YY nor I were cat lovers, so imagine the shock on our family and friends' faces when we told them we've adopted a kitten!

The 6 months she stayed with us, she won our hearts with her "manja" 2 minute i-will-trail-you-wherever-you-go behaviour and her sharp hunting skills, she often displayed her trophies of lizards and spiders and even a 3 inch long centipede. For 2 short minutes upon seeing us, she would treat us like we're the favourite people in her life, and then she'd leave us on our own for the rest of the day.

When we first let her roam (after she was fully toilet trained) she used to come up to our rooms at 6am in the morning to mew and wake us up for her food. We soon had to keep her in the kitchen for the night. But nonetheless the entire house was her territory throughout the day when we were at work. She'd frequently sleep in our master room (that girl had good taste for the coolest and cosiest spots) and when i was expecting, she often joined me for my long afternoon naps.

Mum was her 3rd favourite person. Yup, you heard it right, mum - who was a non-animal lover also took to this little fella who could recognise both mum's voice and mum's car sound. So she'd sit at the top of my sofa and purr when she sees mum coming through the front gate and wait for her behind the door.

We're glad Mylo's now safe and sound and well taken care of by her new adopted family. In fact, she now looks like a Garfield. =) But we miss her especially in the first few weeks, we'd wish to see her sitting by the top of the sofa to greet us, or behind the door waiting for us, or her famous puss-in-boots eyes cum shake her bum-bum stance and also her hide-and-seek & pounce-on-you & hug-ur-leg stance when we come down the stairs in the morning. I miss seeing YY hold Mylo and do the Boom-Boom dance whilst i was the in the kitchen. It was heartwarming in a way.

We're often thankful for the experience of taking care of Mylo. In a small way, i think it kinda prepared us for parenthood. To have something so fragile depend on you for food, for shelter, for protection, etc.

It's funny how a strand of fur can trigger such memories..

Pics Clockwise:

1st collage: The early days of Mylo from her 2nd day with us, to her getting her first bell collar, see how big it was around her, and the puss-in-boots eyes before the pounce. =)

2nd collage: Hiding out in my camera bag, her sleeping positions 1 & 2, looking out the window for her boyfriend whom i had disapproved of, sleeping comfortably with me and getting a nice cuddly massage. =)

Thank You, Lord..

It's been ages since i last put my thoughts into this blog. Guess it's about time.. =)

Much has happened since the last i blogged. And there's just so much to thank God for.

For one, I have since conceived, and am now expecting a 24week baby boy, whom we've decided to name Euan (pronounced Yoo-ann) which means gracious gift of God. For truly, he is a gift from God.

Just the other day, i was clearing up my room (in preparation for Euan's arrival - whilst i'm still very energetic these days), i found a receipt of the test kit purchased. Even that little piece of paper was able to move me to tears. Tears of thankfulness. Because it reminded me of the many many negative test kits i've seen. And the 3 and a half years of long wait and prayers - that God may grant me the desire to be a mummy.

Even as i write this, i know of many sisters who are trying to have children of their own or have recently experienced miscarriage. I fully emphatise with them. The long wait is torturous, few can imagine. Losing a baby is even worse. The feelings of hopes dashed and joys shortlived can be devastating.

However, only God is our strength and refuge. This gift of Euan is a reminder to me (and hopefully to these sisters as well) that God is ever faithful, and He WILL fulfill the promises made in His time.

I have another 4 months to go before i get to see little Euan but with each kick and move he makes, i am reminded and thankful for this little gift of life.

Thank You, Lord.

PS: Thank you to the many wonderful people who've always been praying for us, and for encouraging us to keep looking to the Lord every step of the way. We're forever grateful for you. =)

Grateful

I'm deeply grateful for brothers and sisters to walk this tough journey alongside with me.

At each valley of my life, i have been blessed with faithful friends who have come alongside to love, to uphold, to carry and to pray for me.

Many have asked, " so how are you feeling?" Well, i'd be honest, it has been very tough, exceedingly painful emotionally.

Our hearts still ache. The worst days were probably the first few days, it was overwhelming grief, and wrenching anguish. It is better now that we have surrendered it all to the Lord, but nevertheless, it still aches deep inside. More so because YY & I had prayed for a child for the past 3 long years. It wasn't just having our dreams and our hopes broken and dashed. It was losing a child- a precious, hopeful one. It was sudden and it was devastating.

Those who have lost someone precious and dear to them would understand. Imagine having someone so very precious to you, and losing this someone so suddenly, without having a chance to ever pour more of your love on this side of heaven to that someone. I know that to some, it's just an 9 week old foetus. But to us, it was a child prayed for, a child given and a child loved. Even for that short 9 weeks (for us it was 5 weeks of delight and joy), our hearts had been won over as we saw growth and the beating heart.

We don't know if the wounds will ever heal, or if our tears will ever run dry. But we're grateful for the hopeful and blessed assurance that our baby's in heaven. And someday we'll see her (or him).

Let me share with you a song that has been a comfort to me and YY.

Song: I Have A Maker (By Tommy Walker)

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

Chorus:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go


Thank you for your love. Thank you for ur prayers. We covet them more than ever before.

Xin En - Heart held by grace

June and July - have been two months that has had the greatest delights and the deepest anguish a heart can feel in possibly a lifetime.

At this moment, as i ponder and reflect on the events of the past weeks, of the huge tumultous waves one after another, i think it best to journal everything that had taken place. I pray that these be stones of reminder that some day i can look back and be reminded that through it all God was with me, carrying me and holding me close to His heart. His strength never failed. His mercies new each morning. His faithfulness never ceasing.

1st-4th June - travel to Bangkok for training. Kept craving for tomyam soups. Must be the place. Think lemongrass. Think yummy tom yam.
6th-10th June - Travel to HK for meeting. Had superb appetite.
12th June - Back at home. Did Pregnancy test. Was surprised to see the positive result.
14th June - Went to see gynae. Could see the sac, but couldn't detect heartbeat yet, probably due to fetus still being small. But blood test confirmed pregnancy.
21st June - Went for 2nd check up. Could see baby's strong heartbeat. Amazing!
22nd June - Celebrated Father's Day for YY.
4th July - Went for 3rd check up. Baby's heart beat strong and robust.
7th July - Had slight bleeding. Rested in bed. Went to see gynae at noon. Everyone shocked and horrified that no heartbeat detected. Did 3 scans. Came home. Cried buckets. Never felt so shocked and disappointed before.
8th July - Went to another gynae for 2nd opinion. Did 2 scans. Still no heartbeat. Came home. Cried buckets some more. But decided to pray for God to work a miracle.
14th July - Went for check up with gynae again. Did scan. Still no heartbeat. We were so sad. But we surrendered it all to God. He knows best. But was still feeling so devastated, so lost. My heart ached so deeply - the worst i had ever felt my entire life. I cried the whole night. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. The heart just wouldn't stop aching.
15th July - I woke up with swollen eyes and an aching heart. Just when i thought all tears had been dried up, i cried some more. I bled a bit more. Arranged for a D&C surgery the next day.
16th July - I went for surgery. Fearful. Not knowing what to expect. But trusting God for a painless & peaceful experience (physical & emotional). Drs were great. Nurses were great. Surgery went well. Came home. Heart still aching, but a quiet peace resides within. As we prayed before i slept last night, we decided to name our baby Xin En.

Xin because it means heart. En because it means grace. Though her (or his) heart has stopped, but we had the privilege and blessing of seeing her heartbeat. And in Jeremiah 1:5, it says "before i formed you in your mother's womb, I knew you.". And in Ps 139: 13 "For You formed my inward parts, You covered me in my mother's womb." God is her maker. God knows her name. Because we have prayed for her, and commited her to the Lord, we have the blessed assurance of knowing that baby Xin En is with her maker in Heaven.

I don't know if my heart will ever stop aching. It is so very painful to lose a child- one whom we have prayed for for so long, and finally had the blessing to conceive and had been so delighted to carry even for the few short weeks.

But i am so thankful that even in these moments of grief and deep anguish, God has so graciously carried both me & YY through, with His strength, His comfort and His peace.

* We are thankful for family and friends who have been praying for us, with us, and blessing us through this time. We thank God for you.

Surreal yet real

I think there's something about birthdays and getting old that makes people get into that reflective mood. For me, it is surreal. It feels like just a short while ago that i was celebrating my 25th birthday.. and now, i'm hitting the big 3. Wow.. and ooh.. at the same time..

i frequently tell YY how i think i'm in mid-life crisis as the "date" approaches. I guess with the time that has passed, i wonder what have i done with the years and the time that has been given to me. Has it been one that God looks at and can say to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant."? That is my aim and hope.

i recently wrote a song entitled NO REGRETS. See Eugene has wonderfully put in the music for the song. The song is about life - so short, so brief, so temporal. Surely, God has saved us for a reason, redeemed us for a purpose, and rescued us for a mission and plan. And so, it implores us to look beyond the here and now, and to desire and yearn for something greater, something higher and something deeper - to live this life fully, with no regrets.

2.0years of blogosphere

Today marks the 2nd year of this blog. I know, i know, so very many of you have been asking me if this blog has died, or is merely sleeping. My thousand apologies .. I've been so busy, i hadn't had the chance to read any blogs, more so to write in mine. haha..

It's amazing to think that so much has changed in the past 2 years! Change at work.. change in ministry.. friends who've come into our lives.. and those who have moved away.. With all these, i am frequently reminded of just how blessed my life has been with all these experiences.

Sporting a new look, and a fresh new ambition, i hope to resume sharing my life and my experiences via blogging again after this. =)

May this blog continue to be a blessing to all who drop by for a read. =))

God bless.

Can i celebrate Christmas?..please??

I overheard a little boy ask his mother a few nights ago, "Mummy, do we celebrate Christmas?" To which his mother replied, "No, only Christians celebrate Christmas." He gave it a short thought, and then looked up and asked, "Mummy, CAN i celebrate Christmas.. please?"

His question made me think. What's Christmas all about?

It's about a God who gave up all of heaven's luxuries
and came to earth to be born a baby
stripped of all His power and majesty
It's about a God who owns the whole universe,
but was born in a lowly humble manger
It's about a God who appeared to the nobodies of that time - shepherds
It's about a God who chose to be born a Saviour
Born to face rejection, betrayal and suffering
Born to be crucified
To bring hope and life eternal.


I wished i could tell the little boy, "Yes, of course you can celebrate Christmas. Christmas is not just for the Christians. Christmas is for everyone, especially for you. Jesus was born for you, and for me, and for everyone.

Blessed Christmas, friends!
Happy Birthday, Jesus! =)