June and July - have been two months that has had the greatest delights and the deepest anguish a heart can feel in possibly a lifetime.
At this moment, as i ponder and reflect on the events of the past weeks, of the huge tumultous waves one after another, i think it best to journal everything that had taken place. I pray that these be stones of reminder that some day i can look back and be reminded that through it all God was with me, carrying me and holding me close to His heart. His strength never failed. His mercies new each morning. His faithfulness never ceasing.
1st-4th June - travel to Bangkok for training. Kept craving for tomyam soups. Must be the place. Think lemongrass. Think yummy tom yam.
6th-10th June - Travel to HK for meeting. Had superb appetite.
12th June - Back at home. Did Pregnancy test. Was surprised to see the positive result.
14th June - Went to see gynae. Could see the sac, but couldn't detect heartbeat yet, probably due to fetus still being small. But blood test confirmed pregnancy.
21st June - Went for 2nd check up. Could see baby's strong heartbeat. Amazing!
22nd June - Celebrated Father's Day for YY.
4th July - Went for 3rd check up. Baby's heart beat strong and robust.
7th July - Had slight bleeding. Rested in bed. Went to see gynae at noon. Everyone shocked and horrified that no heartbeat detected. Did 3 scans. Came home. Cried buckets. Never felt so shocked and disappointed before.
8th July - Went to another gynae for 2nd opinion. Did 2 scans. Still no heartbeat. Came home. Cried buckets some more. But decided to pray for God to work a miracle.
14th July - Went for check up with gynae again. Did scan. Still no heartbeat. We were so sad. But we surrendered it all to God. He knows best. But was still feeling so devastated, so lost. My heart ached so deeply - the worst i had ever felt my entire life. I cried the whole night. The tears just wouldn't stop flowing. The heart just wouldn't stop aching.
15th July - I woke up with swollen eyes and an aching heart. Just when i thought all tears had been dried up, i cried some more. I bled a bit more. Arranged for a D&C surgery the next day.
16th July - I went for surgery. Fearful. Not knowing what to expect. But trusting God for a painless & peaceful experience (physical & emotional). Drs were great. Nurses were great. Surgery went well. Came home. Heart still aching, but a quiet peace resides within. As we prayed before i slept last night, we decided to name our baby Xin En.
Xin because it means heart. En because it means grace. Though her (or his) heart has stopped, but we had the privilege and blessing of seeing her heartbeat. And in Jeremiah 1:5, it says "before i formed you in your mother's womb, I knew you.". And in Ps 139: 13 "For You formed my inward parts, You covered me in my mother's womb." God is her maker. God knows her name. Because we have prayed for her, and commited her to the Lord, we have the blessed assurance of knowing that baby Xin En is with her maker in Heaven.
I don't know if my heart will ever stop aching. It is so very painful to lose a child- one whom we have prayed for for so long, and finally had the blessing to conceive and had been so delighted to carry even for the few short weeks.
But i am so thankful that even in these moments of grief and deep anguish, God has so graciously carried both me & YY through, with His strength, His comfort and His peace.
* We are thankful for family and friends who have been praying for us, with us, and blessing us through this time. We thank God for you.
